


Space Viking

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-06
Updated: 2010-10-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:22:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skwisgaar has an odd little adventure</p>
            </blockquote>





	Space Viking

Skwisgaar shook his head, unsure of where he was. He was alone. Everything was distorted and hazy... had his ship crashed? He patted his sides, checking for any kind of weapon.  
Not only was he unarmed, he was missing his spacesuit! He had his helmet at least, that was better than nothing. At least he could breathe! The haze worried him, but his helmet should protect him.

Where was his ship? Had he been forced to eject, or been thrown clear in the crash? Assuming there even had been a crash that is, he couldn’t remember one.  
He couldn’t stay here, where ever “here” was. Skwisgaar stood, and the world swayed around him. Could he walk?  
Yes. A bit unsteadily and not completely straight, but he could walk.

A cave, he seemed to be in some sort of cave, stone surrounded him. Maybe he had taken shelter here after... Well, after whatever happened?   
Cautiously, he started walking toward a light he could see ahead. This planet was inhabited then? He was taking a risk, approaching unarmed. But what choice did he have?  
There was some sort creature ahead, a moving shadow, most likely a guardian of the passage. Skwisgaar hugged the wall, wanting to stay out of sight as long as possible.

At last there was no choice, if he wanted to continue along this path he would have to confront the... whatever it was. And he had to, faint noises came from behind him. Somehow he knew he was being stalked, it was best to keep moving.  
He stepped into sight. It was a small humanoid creature, but it had a weapon!  
Moving quickly, Skwisgaar kicked the creature and grabbed the weapon, some sort of knife. It went down easily, it’s hideous arrangement of features twitching in surprise.  
Moving past it, he hurried down the passage.

Skwisgaar examined his new weapon as he moved along. It was most similar to a meat cleaver, and appeared to be sharp. That was good.  
Behind him, faint sounds of pursuit. There was definitely something back there, and he didn’t want to wait around and find out what it was.  
The tunnel split, forking in different directions. It was still hazy, why hadn’t he been able to find cleaner air yet? Was the whole planet like this?

Skwisgaar chose the right path, well, the one on the right.  
A little ways down, there was a portal. It took him a few minutes to figure out to make it open, but he finally managed. A black blob creature was in ths room! It undulated as it rose, and bits (segments?) broke away from the main mass, moving towards him. Featureless black blobs, without even discernable eyes.  
Retreating, Skwisgaar broke into an awkward run.  
The sounds behind him picked up too, keeping pace with him.

The haze was finally clearing, but the distortions remained. Even the passage floor felt uneven, seeming to shift beneath his boots.  
Suddenly, another alien was in front of him! Skwisgaar skidded to a stop, knife-thing held ready.  
This one was grey, with large, shiny eyes. It’s mouth-hole opened and a stream of unintelligible sounds poured out. Gore dripped from it’s chest area.  
Skwisgaar turned, running down an adjoining passage as fast as he was able.

He was beginning to suspect that he was in some sort of hell, that he’d been killed in the crash. Vague memories of some Medusa-like creature, leaning close. Of a voice he couldn’t understand, rough like a demon’s. Other creatures too, but he couldn’t fix them in his mind.  
Was this a real memory? A dream? Perhaps the creatures than had been chasing him?  
If only he could stop and rest... he should be in better shape than this! Some Space Viking he was...

Suddenly, another black blob monster rose up in front of him!  
Skwisgaar stopped and turned, only to discover that the gore-chested grey alien had followed him with surprising silence and was now blocking his retreat! Being the brave Space Viking that he was, Skwisgaar swung his stolen knife-thing at it.  
The weapon was struck from his hand in a move too quick to follow, but undeterred, he reached for it’s gory wound. Grasping an handful of... alien parts, he pulled as hard ad he could, trying to tear the flesh loose.  
The creature stumbled, but the flesh didn’t tear. It was very strong, perhaps a tendon?

Suddenly, the blob monster swarmed up and surrounded him. Tentacles shot out of it and wrapped around his arms! Skwisgaar released the gore-chested one and tried to fight his way free, but they were too strong for him.  
And then Gore-chest reached up and lifted off his helmet. No! He would die without it!  
But he was powerless, held fast by the many tentacles gripping his body.

As he was forced to the floor, he realized that somehow he was still breathing. And the persistent haze had finally cleared...  
Gore-chest, still holding his stolen helmet, made sounds at the blob monster. He must be it’s owner, he seemed to control it. The monster lifted him, carrying him away.  
Why were they keeping him alive? What would happen to him?

*****

****

***

**

*

Charles adjusted his tie as the Klokateers left, carrying Skwisgaar to the hospital wing for observation. He knew who to blame for this incident. “I know you’re hiding around the corner, you can come out now.” They came emerged. One bounced, one walked, one slunk. “I see you’re all high as well. Where’s Murderface?”  
Nathan shuffled his feet like a kid in trouble in class. “Well, uh, how else were we supposed to get the smoke into the fish bowl? And Murderface like, passed out. He was blowing the opium.”

Charles sighed, and called some gears to retrieve Murderface and place him under observation as well. “I need to know what you’re all on.” Although in the case of the bouncy little drummer, it wasn’t hard to guess.  
Pickles hair moved like snakes, he couldn’t hold still. “CRACK!”  
“Thank you, Pickles. Nathan?”  
“Oh, just weed. And tobacco, but that doesn’t count!”  
“I smokes what they gives me!” Toki looked a bit out of it. Well, more than a bit.

Even though he knew there was no point lecturing them in this state, he couldn’t help himself. “I don’t know why you all thought this was a good idea, but don’t do it again. Pickles, Toki, I want you two to go to the hospital as well.” Nathan was clearly in no danger, so he could do whatever he wanted.  
Surprisingly, they went. Pickles bounced along, careening off the walls. Toki occasionally stopped to pick (nonexistent) flowers from the floor, or wave to (equally nonexistent) things in the air around him.

They would all be okay, of course. They were just high. Skwisgaar might be mad when the drugs wore off, or he might not even remember this.  
Nathan poked him in the shoulder. “Hey. He didn’t hurt anybody, did he?”  
“Well, he yanked me by the tie, but that’s the worst of it. Oh, and Jean-Pierre bruised his testicles when he was knocked down.”  
“Huh, I thought he fell on his back.”  
“He did. You all reassembled him rather badly, I’m afraid.”  
“Brutal.”

Charles sighed. “Nathan? Can you explain?”  
“Uh... Toki found his old fish bowl. And somebody... I don’t remember who, said we could put it over our heads and fill it with smoke. And uh, Skwisgaar wanted to go first!”  
Charles just nodded, that certainly sounded like something they’d think up. He’d already decided that this fish bowl was going to disappear forever. “I’ll be in my office.”  
As he started to walk away, Nathan called after him. “SORRY WE BAKED SKWISGAAR!”


End file.
